Now, all you Landlords out there listen up. Rickardovitz is gonna give you 10 Secret Tips to wrangle a Bad Tenant. What's a Bad Tenant? Well, it's one that dern't pay his wrent on time; dern't foller your rules; lives like a filthy sow; invites undesireable party-guests; one that gits a roommate(s); or one that gives you lip or sasses you. So, here goes Landlords:
1. Ain't payin rent? Pound on his door at 3:00 a.m. screaming "WHERE'S MY RENT...WHERE'S MY RENT..." Do this 'till the tenant opens his door all freaked out from the noise. Make sure your armed with a gun and a stungun (if you dern't have no stungun - make one). Do this every night, vary the times, until the tenant pays or leaves. Just like taking a crap, or eatin - bangin on the tenants door screamin at the top of yer lungs should be a natural bodily function.
2. Get all kinds of personal information, bank information, and such, when yer dopey tenant fills out the lease. Call his bank, his employer, his parents, his next of kin, his x-wife or girlfriend. Make their lives miserable and they will be sure to make yer Tenant's life miserable.
3. Make sure that any place you are rentin has installed a loud, high pitched, remote activated "smoke detector" some place where the Tenant cain't get to it and set it off when he ain't payin his rent. Tell 'em you'll fix it when he pays his rent.
4. Bugs is good fer runnin off tenants. Dern't screw 'round with German Cockroaches though - too hard to kill later on.
5. Cameras is yer friends - figure it out for yourselves, boys and girls.
6. Don't never own property in a big city where the gooberment rather you house the homeless than them. Best to rent to folks out in the country, where people is still free and the po-po got kin to feed to.
7. The po-po is good fer somethin. Keep a snort of ether and a buunch of cold medicine 'round. Throw them in a kettle and toss it in the rental unit, then call the po-po and tell him you smellt some kinda chemicals burnin. Let the po-po do the rest.
8. Make the tennant responsible for fixin all appliances. Then "break" the well pump when he's doin somethin he ain't supposed to, or not payin his rent.
9. Remote control switch on the Fridgerator outlet - funny how food goes bad and beer gits warm when Tenants dern't pay there rent.
10. Be a good citizen and keep a couple of big, mean x-convicts gainfully employed. Most like to work, and they like gettin overtime for doin the "fun stuff".
Well, that's all for now, folks.
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Landlord Correspondent: Ricardovitz
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